No Words

I wanted to make a post today. I have several different ideas for what to write about. But I can't find the words for any of them.

I'm feeling really depressed lately. Various things keep happening to bring me down. We moved away from the first friends I've made in 10 years and I don't think I know how to make new friends. I had a problem at one of my classes and now I'm not sure if I'll be able to pass it, and I know I need to figure out how to study for it but I don't know how to study and feeling despair over it just makes me want to escape. My Mom is stressed out about her new job and my brother is struggling with depression related to school issues.

And I feel at such a loss. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Like none of my dreams will ever come true. I had a taste of something great and wonderful. I'd finally found my place in the world. And now I don't have that, and what I always made do with before is suddenly no longer enough for me. But I don't know how to get it all back.

So I keep searching for something to make me happy or at least distract me from my sadness. And it works for a bit, but it never seems to last. I wanted to enjoy Halloween, but my Dad hates any holliday in which he's expected to spend money. He claims we're running low on cash, but because he panics over every cost I have no idea if that's true or if it's just memories of starving at the end of the month as a child, coming back to haunt him. And everyone says I'm too old for trick-or-treating - I still want to trick-or-treat, but I'm scared that people will make their gentle teasing comments that cut me like knives. They wouldn't say that to a person with Down Syndrome, but no one can see that I have a developmental disability. And I've constantly been pressured to grow up before I'm ready, and missed out on things as a result. Only difference is now I know what's happening.

And I've always believed the future will be better. But now I don't know anymore. Maybe I shouldn't wish for things to get better for me anymore. Because if they get better and then it all goes away, it's worse than if I never had it.

I just feel so lost. I don't want to problem solve. I don't want to meet with my TA to talk about our conflict. I don't want to struggle yet again to convince my brother that he's a wonderful kid, even though he says it really helps him. I just want it all to stop. I want things to be better, without me having to work at it. Because I'm exhausted.

My Old Website

I thought my old website had disappeared with Geocities, but recently I discovered that it's been mirrored by a couple of other sites. I'm no longer maintaining this site (I will be making a new website when I find the thermals for it, though I'm not sure if that website will have anything apart from Creatures stuff on it). However, some people expressed appreciation for my old website, so if you want to access it, try these links(note that some links may be broken, for example some of my creatures downloads won't download):

http://www.geocities.ws/ettinashee/

http://www.oocities.org/ettinashee/

Also be aware that the opinion pages reflect stuff I wrote when I was 15 or so, and some of my opinions have changed since then. For one thing, I'm much less willing to engage in personal attacks of people who disagree with me.

The Music Video I Lack The Skill To Make

I wanted to make a music video for this song, but I have no idea how to animate and don't draw well enough to do it anyway, so instead I'll do what I'm better at - paint a picture with words.

Forgive, sounds good,
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting

I'm sitting on the radiator in the Arts building at university, waiting for my class to start, and my mind travels back. I remember being a child, wearing a backpack, walking through the front doors of my school.

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying it

Cut to a visual depiction of my heart, with a number of old, healed scars all over it. The image fades and you see it with a single, open wound.

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time to go 'round and 'round and 'round
It's too late to make it right
Probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell,
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Cut to myself as a child, crawling on the floor, washing my face like a cat. A teacher comes up and yanks me to my feet, yelling at me. I pull free and dive under a table. She reaches under and drags me out by my arm, kicking and screaming. Then cuts to my heart, with a new wound in it.

I know you said, can't you just get over it?
It turned my whole world around, and I kind of like it

I'm standing in front of a teacher lecturing me, I turn into a big circle and she tries to jam me into a square hole, getting enraged when I won't fit. She gives me a saw and tells me to cut myself down to the shape I need to be, but I throw the saw on the ground.

Made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind saying
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she oughta hate a perfect stranger

A teacher screaming at me in front of an entire classroom of kids as they watch in shock. Later, in recess, several of them grab my backpack and throw it back and forth, keeping it away from me. I finally catch my backpack and get into a tug-of-war, and then hit the kid to make him let go. Next it cuts to me in the principal's office.

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge?
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

My teacher goes to the principal and hands in some papers, then points to me. She leaves and is immediately replaced by another teacher. It cuts to me standing there, with an arrow pointing at me saying 'drove her teacher to an early retirement', standing at the Pearly Gates and getting turned away. The scene cuts to my heart with another wound in it.

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time to go 'round and 'round and 'round
It's too late to make it right
Probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell,
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

A math page with easy division problems. An example problem is already solved using long division. A teacher's hand draws out the long division half-square thingy and points to it. Ignoring it, I write the correct answer for problem #2 next to the problem. The teacher puts an X beside it and points again to the half-square thing. The words 'show your work' appear on the page. I grab the page of problems, crumple it up, and throw it away. Then the scene cuts to my heart with yet another new wound.

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time to go 'round and 'round and 'round
It's too late to make it right
Probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

I stand there looking at God in His fluffy cloud heaven, and it pops out of existence. The scene cuts to me standing outside of church shaking my head to my family as they urge me inside, they nod acceptance and walk in without me. At school, a teacher tries to make me pray and when I yell at her she yells back awhile, then turns and prays with a pious-yet-condescending look. God pops in the room and stands before me, and I scowl at Him and turn away. Cut to my heart with a new wound.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Returns to adult-me sitting on the radiator. A girl in a motorized wheelchair approaches and my face lights up as I greet her. Placing a hand on one handle of her wheelchair, I follow her through the door to my class.

Why Can't It Be Like This?

Imagine this for a moment. I don't have a disability. Instead, you (assuming you're NT) have superpowers.

You have the power to rapidly and intuitively analyze a person's facial expressions and figure out exactly what they're feeling. It's a subtle power, but it's pretty amazing, because it means you can make a very accurate guess at someone's emotions without them even saying a word. And from a lifetime of having this power, you've learnt how to say and do things just right to get the reaction you want out of people - not all the time, but often enough to count.

You also have supernatural agility and coordination. When a ball goes flying in your direction, you can catch it in midair. And then you can throw it and have a reasonable idea of where it'll end up, more precise than 'to my left somewhere'. With some practice, you might even be able to throw a ball through a hoop, or pass it to another similarly-gifted person. Furthermore, you can look at someone doing a movement and imitate it reasonably well, without needing detailed instructions as well. And once you know how to do something with your left hand doing role A and your right hand doing role B, you don't need any instruction to switch which hand does which task. You don't need to figure it out all over again. And you don't get tired very easily, either. At the end of a long day. you can still walk smoothly and easily, unless you decided to have a few too many drinks.

You also have this small but incredible power to tell the time without needing a clock. Sure, a clock is more precise, but you'll be a half an hour off at most. You don't faint at 2:30 because you didn't realize it was past lunchtime. Instead, when someone comes up and asks the time, you might answer without digging out your watch, or if you do dig it out, it'll be to adjust your estimate or check it's accuracy. You might even have the ability to tell time in your sleep, so you awaken just before the alarm clock goes off.

You also have super senses. Not that they're any sharper - in fact, they may actually be less acute - but you can tune out the irrelevant. And a fire alarm doesn't paralyze you. In fact, you might even be able to help someone less fortunate to escape the fire. Your ability to withstand sensory bombardment is so impressive, you can actually enjoy musicians playing at full volume in a large building packed to the brim with people. Not only doesn't that experience leave you hiding in a corner rocking and covering your ears, you actually enjoy it!

But you know what they say - with great power comes great responsibility. Now, your powers aren't particularly great, but at the very least, you're expected not to misuse them. Your ability to understand emotions, in particular, is easy to cause harm with. You could convince someone to trust you, then set them up for a fall. You could tailor your insults to hit precisely where the person's self-esteem is poorest, so you really devastate them. You can gather allies so your victims have no one to turn to. But you're not a villain, so you won't do that. Instead, when you see others with similar powers misuing them, you'll jump in and stop it, right?

And most importantly, you won't put yourself above the people who don't have superpowers. Because superpowers don't make you a superior person, and you know that.